redefining happiness.

“Are you happier?” People ask me, wondering if, in the wake of my divorce, all of the turmoil had been worth it.

It’s a tricky question to answer.

Yes, I tell them. I’m happier. But it’s a mixed bag of happiness, because it often comes at a high price. I’m content, I tell people, because it’s exhausting to try to make palatable lemonade out of rotten lemons. I’m relieved of the emotional stress of living with someone I’m incompatible with. I have the freedom to make decisions about my life without being challenged at every turn. I can go to sleep knowing that each day’s successes and failures are mine, and mine only. I am proud of my ability to manage a household, a job, parenting, and relationships with friends and family, mostly on my own reconnaissance. I’m doing a decent job of letting go of the past, looking toward the future, and enjoying the present. So yeah, I’m happier.

The thing is, my kids aren’t happier. My kids are torn between two parents, and will soon be doubling down on family as my ex-husband and I move forward in new relationships. They have no choice of which parent they get to spend time with or when; their lives are dictated by a parenting agreement they weren’t privy to in the making and which they don’t understand. Just when they get comfortable in one house, they have to pack their things and go to another one–sometimes for two days, sometimes for five. No matter how transparent we try to make the parenting calendar, our daughter still wakes up in a panic on Monday and Wednesday mornings when she realizes it’s a transition day and she will be saying goodbye with sleep in her eyes that is quickly washed away by tears. Our son, not as sensitive as our daughter but equally emotional, is angry that he has to have two houses and frustrated when he can’t find things that are inevitably always at “the other house.”

Like I said, it’s a mixed bag of happiness. In some ways, divorce is like the jelly bean challenge, where it’s impossible to tell which jelly bean will explode in a delightful flavor and which will make you gag. Some things are better. When my kids are with me, they get to relax, to dictate how we will spend a lot of our time. They seem settled and well adjusted and happy. When they are with their father, they get to experience adrenaline rushes and manic playful energy. He and I have very different styles, and our children get to explore different facets of their personalities and interests with each of us. But sometimes, these differences are a challenge not just for he and I, but for the kids as well. Sometimes, the kids don’t want to or can’t keep up with their dad’s pace–and therein lies the problem.

Our daughter is afraid to speak up for what she wants. Afraid of hurting either one of us, she refuses to make choices or even state a preference. Our son doesn’t yet care what anyone else thinks and isn’t afraid to express his frustration when things don’t go the way he wants them to. But because he is five, he mostly gets told to suck it up. And because our daughter is female, she mostly gets questioned about her opinion, asked to reconsider, to be a team player. To suck it up. Our children do a lot of “sucking it up.” As my daughter said to me after a particularly rough weekend during which she wondered why we didn’t have any family dinners like we did in the early days of the divorce, when we were trying to reassure the kids that “we would always be a family, even if we were living in two houses,” “it is what it is.”

Perhaps that’s all happiness is, in the end: to accept what is. To acknowledge that everything is compromise, and to figure out what kind of compromise you can make without resentment. Unfortunately for my kids, they are the compromised ones. But hopefully seeing their mom smile, laugh, and be herself will compensate long term for their current sadness and frustration. So when I smile and say that I am happier being divorced than I was married, please know that I am aware of the price my kids are paying for my happiness. It’s a price I can only hope will pay off for them in the end.