I’ve read a lot about gratitude in the 40-something years I’ve been a reader. As a hopelessly optimistic upbeat cynic, I tend to see the glass as half empty; the cake I can’t have and eat; the worst case scenario. I’ve spent a lot of my life wanting to feel grateful but not having a clue how to actually cultivate a sense of gratitude for my life. I wanted to want the things I had but too often found myself disappointed because of the things I didn’t have. While needs I didn’t know I had were being met, desires I had were being ignored. In short, I took everything for granted. I had a husband I didn’t want, then I had a third kid I didn’t want, then I had a job I didn’t want, friends who didn’t bring me joy, hobbies I didn’t enjoy, food I didn’t want to eat. All of my energy was focused on everything in my life that wasn’t working instead of what was working.One of my favorite people in the world, a blunt no-nonsense therapist who runs the site Counseling for Busy People, recommends focusing on what is good rather than what is bad. Her advice when every glass seems half empty: focus on how good the beverage in that glass tastes. (That’s not really her advice, but I imagine it could be. It’s the reason I get to call her a friend instead of my therapist, since WWLRD? is basically the motto by which I have been living my life and the only reason why I’m no longer sitting on her couch and crying ten years after I first walked into her office.)
The problem with this approach is how hard it is to see the good when everything feels so bad. Though I tend toward a wee bit of depression, I’m thankful my lows are never so low that I can’t get sick of myself and pull myself up and out of them after allowing myself brief interludes of wallowing. The best part of being a cynic is that when the worst seems to be happening, I experience a strange sense of validation that can be exhilarating. See? I told you this would happen, and now it is happening and I was right and I am ready for this! Although I’ve spent a lot of time working out my anger at the injustices in the world and have (mostly) found healthier ways of expressing my emotions, I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that anger can be a great motivator.
Ironically, once I found myself in a stable, loving, healthy (and not codependent!) relationship, I felt somewhat…flat. I was content, but perhaps a little…bored? Not with her or with our family or the wonderful home we had created, but with myself. I have always been one to “write out” my conundrums, to process out loud with friends and confidantes, to very physically and outwardly do the work to resolve any issue. So I was frustrated by my lack of anger, which I hadn’t realized had been fueling me for so long. As grateful as I was that I was no longer running on adrenaline, I didn’t know how to run on gratitude.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t try to poke the fire. Resentment is easy to come by in domestic partnerships. Boundaries are harder to communicate, and compromises can feel…well, compromising. Yet every time I put out the barbs, it felt like my partner was cushioned in bubble wrap. Maybe I’d pop one or two bubbles with a momentarily satisfying POP!, but she remained unscathed. Even worse, she would give me enough space that I would have to be the one to bridge the divide for fear the chasm would grow too wide. What happened next was the beginning of my complete and total undoing. Rather than resenting her for refusing to engage with my irrational desire to fight, I found myself grateful for it! Each time I was allowed to feel my feelings (and forced to process them until I was able to communicate kindly about whatever irritation or transgression I was feeling), I felt the frozen lump of coal I had for a heart grow a little bit brighter. I’m searching for some wonderful extended metaphor resulting in that lump of coal producing a diamond that isn’t coming easily, so suffice it to say that now that lump of coal shines bright like a diamond. (When in doubt, plagiarizing Rihanna is always a good out.)
I know it’s sacrilegious to say that 2020 was anything other than the worst year on record, but I’m saying it anyway. Despite the challenges a global pandemic undoubtedly brings, 2020 has been a pretty stellar year. 2020 has taught me how to look at the glass as half full, to see the silver linings and really appreciate them, to love what I have and to work hard to get what I want, and most importantly, to want for nothing more than the peace, love, and certainty that I am exactly where and with whom I am meant to be, doing what I want to be doing, and grateful for the opportunity to be doing it.
(mostly) full disclosure 