After volleying the idea of having a wedding back and forth for the last couple of years, my partner and I eventually agreed that it was an important symbol of the life and home and family we had spent the last five years creating. At first, I didn’t think it was right to have a wedding when we were decidedly not getting married; my partner was of the opinion that she’d rather not throw a party where she would (along with me) be the center of attention for several hours. But, we both agreed, a public acknowledgment of the commitment we’d already made to each other–and to our children, more importantly–was a significant life event for the kids to participate in and have happy memories of. And, if I’m being honest, even though we didn’t want to marry each other, we had already made legal commitments to take care of each other and be a family. I wanted our relationship to be recognized for what it was (and if I’m being honest, I also wanted a ring).
So if I wanted the commitment, and I wanted the ring, and I wanted the wedding, why not just get married again? Luckily, this wasn’t a conversation I had to have with my partner: she felt similarly that buying into the institution of marriage once was more than enough times for her. Neither of us wanted a piece of paper that bound us to do things for and with each other that we hadn’t agreed to up front, and frankly, neither of us was up to the challenge to find out exactly what legal implications of being married again we would be assuming if we were to sign any papers other than the ones we specifically asked our lawyer to draw up for us. Besides, she files taxes as head of household with one dependent, I also file as head of household with one dependent, and voila–we get double the money back from the government than we would if we were to be married. Maybe we’re both immature, but we like the idea of sticking it to the man rather than getting stuck to it by the man. (And sure, there’s a lesbian pun in there as well.)
So, a hefty tax return and a couple of nice rings. Why bother with a wedding? Isn’t that misleading? It certainly was for some of our family and friends. As I tried to explain our reasons for making a commitment without the legalities of marriage, I realized our society has a long-held misunderstanding about weddings. A wedding is not equal to a marriage. A wedding is a celebration of marriage, a collective name used for all of the ceremonies and rituals that people participate in to give social acceptance to a couple’s relationship. And since we were planning to stand in front of our families and a few friends and promise not to be assholes to each other, exchange rings, and bind our hands together to symbolize our choice to walk together through life, why not have a wedding to celebrate all of that? We had quietly become joint owners of a home, we were raising a child together, and we had legally changed our names to signify our new family. What was left except to celebrate all that we had become and were becoming?
Our new last name has much symbolism, but the meaning I hold most dear comes from the latin phrase dum spiro, spero. “While I breathe, I hope.” What I love most about the partnership we are waiting excitedly to celebrate this week is the amount of hope we have for ourselves and our future together. Perhaps marriage will become a legal necessity at some point in our lives. If so, then we will have something more to look forward to. Until then, we will celebrate the commitments we have already made, choosing every day to renew that commitment–not being told that we have to.
(mostly) full disclosure 